Top Ten Reasons To Be A String Theorist
QSDWire – Portland, Oregon
Many parents wonder “why, why did our son/daughter grow up to be a string theorist?”
Ok, maybe not that many.
But for those who do (and you know who you are), please stop with the “what if’s”: What if my son/daughter had a real job? What if he/she had a medical doctorate instead of, well, whatever it is that string theorists have?
Enough! While many say that there are at least Ten Reasons Why String Theory May Not Be Your Thing (and we strongly suggest clicking on that link, but not until you’ve read this page), we beg to differ.
To wit! We present the Top Ten Reasons To Be A String Theorist:
I don't get it!
Reasons 9 & 10: C’mon…need we explain the obvious? String theory says that all matter is made up of tiny, tiny little oscillating one-dimensional strings. Strings. Get it?
Reason 8: Uh, strings are supposed to be really, really small. This may give us a complex. ‘Cause, uh, size doesn’t matter, right?
Reason 7: String Theory is one of the best bets out there for unifying quantum mechanics (the world of the really small) with theories of gravity. Right now those two worlds don’t play nice. Whatever theory unifies the two will earn a special place in the minds of the dozen or so people who will understand it.
Reason 6: The Large Hadron Collider is 27 kilometers around…start running!
Reason 5: There’s, uh, nothing that can be said about this one.
Reason 4: Unfortunately, we couldn’t find a link to the doctoral thesis on this “Rope Theory.”
Reason 3: It has been said by detractors that String Theory has no practical application in this world. Yeah, that’s probably what they said about that “splitting atom” thing in the last century…
Reason 2: Some branches of string theory posit that there are many alternate universes out there. And if you can mathematically prove that, our guess is that you’ll probably come to rely on those alternate universes for your dates.
Reason 1: Spinal Tap, the titular “band” from the mockumentary “This is Spinal Tap,” is the Loudest Band In England. To prove this, they need only point to their amplifiers. Most normal amplifiers only go up to 10. But Spinal Tap’s are louder. They go up to eleven. Similarly, most theories live in 3 or 4 dimensions. But at least one branch of String Theory contemplates 11 dimensions. If you don’t get the joke now, we’re guessing there’s absolutely nothing we can write here to change that. Just enjoy Eta, V8 and M. Monopole rocking and rolling.