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Kepler’s F8 Update Outrages Galactic Citizens

Posted on Oct 11, 2011 by in Astronomy, Featured | 1 comment

Kepler F8 Outrage

QSDWire – Cleveland, Ohio

After initial privacy concerns about the Kepler telescope’s reach raised a great deal of galactic consternation, many Gliese citizens have since come to terms with the technological telescope, and even embraced the social networking aspects of the exoplant-finding telescope.

“Sure we were first scared of it, but that’s because we didn’t understand it,” claims a Gliese 721 resident.  “Then all of the college kids started using it, then the high school kids, and now heck, even my Mom is good with Kepler.  It’s made the galaxy seem like a smaller, cozier space.  It’s easier to keep in touch with everyone, even outside the Gliese neighborhood.”

Kepler Social Networking
Kepler Social Networking

But that was before the recent F8 update, which renews the privacy debate and brings back the privacy nay-sayers.  “I told you Kepler was an invasion of privacy!  I told you!” exclaims Dr. Eseilg, a privacy advocate and formerly-practicing galactic attorney.  “These NASA people don’t care about your galactic privacy, not one bit!  And they do it all, squash all of your privacy rights, in the name of, get this, science!  Hogwash!”

They Are Really Upset About F8
Dr. Eseilg is one of many Kepler social networkers who are upset about the F8 update. But is it worth losing an eye over?

“This Kepler thing’s just gone too far, especially with F8,” worries a Gliese 1214 resident.  “Where will it stop?  What happens if I don’t want my Gliese 777 friends seeing my wall?  Or listening to my Spotify playlist?  What can I do to keep this f8ing Kepler from watching me ALL THE TIME?”

How To Keep Kepler Out
How to keep Kepler from getting further into your lives. It also works when you’re getting dressed in the morning.

Paranoia grips the galaxy as the media (yours truly QSDWire included) whips its citizens into a frenzy over Kepler’s F8 update.  Is it the end of the worlds as we know them? Will anyone ever trust social networking in the galaxy again?  Will the panic never cease?  KEPLER, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO US?

Kepler F8 Is Ruining The Galaxy
Kepler spreads fear and paranoia throughout the galaxy! And makes aliens dance. News at 7.

UPDATE:  While the galaxy has stayed intact even with the Kepler F8 update (against all expectations and the opinions of all galactic experts, we might add), journalistic ethics require us (when was the last time you heard that statement?) to continue to note the galactic irony involved with this story:  to wit: Gliesens are still looking back at us…

I See You
Here’s looking at you, kid.

…and their intentions are less than…well…you decide…

Proof That Not All Alien Life Is Intelligent
What Gliesens are looking at. Proof that not all alien life is intelligent.

[medrec]

I don't get it!

Hmmm…it seems that we’ve explained some things about Kepler before, so we won’t continue to bore you with that stuff…heh, even though certainly most would say that boredom is our specialty!

Anyway, here we are, back to privacy concerns with our local star systems thanks to the peeping-Tom-telescope Kepler.  Sure, sure we know that Kepler can’t see THAT well, but the Gilesens seemed to have come to terms with it anyway since the most recent Kepler post.

And now it seems that the whole Kepler thing is taking on quite a Facebook-like bent.  We know that Facebook has their F8 conference every year or so (note, we said “F8,” not “V8″), but in Fall of 2011, Facebook instituted an unpopular update that the media labeled as the “F8 update.”  And since the media labeled it, you know it must be true.  Or, more importantly, you know that two aliens who shall remain nameless (but who rhyme with “Beta” and “E8″) would latch onto that terminology and use it to spread fear throughout the local galaxy for the benefit of you, our viewing audience.

And thus you have it, a post that combines falsehoods regarding a really big but cool telescope (Kepler) and a really big but fun waste of time (Facebook).

Would you have us any other way?

P.S.  The Kepler Social Networking thingy is actually a NASA graphic illustrating planet candidates as of earlier 2011…actually very cool.  Far too cool for a website like this…

1 Comment

  1. What was that about not all alien life being intelligent? Hello? Anybody out there?

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